My Higher Power is John Stamos
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize