I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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