moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
