I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
