After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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