His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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