@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
