Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
