I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
