you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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