The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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