my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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