this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
