I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So many bounce houses so little time
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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