Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize