It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
