Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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