Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
