News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
