Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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