it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
