I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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