just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
