At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
