It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
