I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
