seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize