My liver just broke up with me...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
