hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
