she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
