Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
