My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
