Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
