We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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