There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
