I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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