If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
