I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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