Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
