Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
