I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
