it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
