Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
