Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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