Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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