Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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