Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize