I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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