Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
