he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
