i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
