I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
