I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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