I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
