I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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