who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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