All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
