you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
