Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
