Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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