Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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