Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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