I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The best revenge is premature balding
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
