Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I cockslap morals
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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