I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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