I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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