How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
