I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Four minutes until I can fart!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
