hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
