If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
