You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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