i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just want nice things and good sex
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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