we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
