tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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