Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
